We sometimes hear people forgiving one another by saying: “I will forgive you, but I can never forget.” This phrase is commonly used and often seen as a valid acceptance of an apology, but is that really what it is? Isn’t there something missing from forgiveness that comes with conditions and hesitation? Shouldn’t forgiveness be unconditional and undiluted by selfish reservations of certain rights? Forgiveness is a choice, after all – not something that is forced upon us.

It shouldn’t be thrown around like a cheap rag whenever we feel like it might come in handy. Forgiveness is a serious tool and it needs to be given a chance to fulfill its purpose – purpose to repair something that is broken. It needs to be genuine and come straight from our hearts to be effective. Half-hearted and insincere forgiveness is like a saw that has no blade. We can’t fix a broken house with a tool like that. We can try, but the house will be shaky and its foundation weak.

Forgiving and never forgetting is an illogical statement where one hand shows forgiveness and the other one takes it a way. It is a testimony of insufficient understanding of forgiveness and its true purpose. Forgiveness is a vehicle of reconciliation and peace, not a tool to bolster our self-righteousness or kindness that doesn’t come from the deepest trenches of our hearts. Even if we physically cannot forget, true forgiveness doesn’t say it out loud.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing and it should be used neither lightly nor without true intentions. It has great curative powers and an ability to heal even the most painful of wounds. But it can only do its job if we use it in accordance with its real purpose and demonstrate that we respect its great value. Forgiveness is a commitment to follow through our promise with actions that reflect that commitment. We shouldn’t grimace and talk badly behind the backs of people whose apology we have accepted with a smile on our faces. We shouldn’t betray their expectations by acting in contradiction with our promises and cause confusion about our sincerity. If we choose to forgive, we should be able to stand behind our words – or not forgive at all.

It is hard enough to ask for forgiveness and it’s even harder to accept an apology with complete honesty and genuine will to put the dark days behind us forever. It is hard because forgiveness is a powerful force and it doesn’t let its true value be harnessed without getting some proof that we understand its mission. It wants us to deliver our true words without implicit or explicit reservations before it takes our side and starts helping us.

It knows that only real and unconditional forgiveness will build a solid foundation for meaningful reconciliation and peace. It knows that the fruits of forgiveness will only be served to the ones whose promise comes straight from their hearts and shines from their honest eyes. It knows that words are just dead letters without action that breathes life to them and unleashes their powers.